Crossroads

12/01/2022

It’s been 4 months to the day I ran the marathon. Seems like yesterday. Feels like a million years ago.

Running wise, for a while now I feel I have been drifting in a void. If I had to paint the background it would be grey and blurry, if I had to choose a song it would be Radiohead or Marilyn Manson. It’s felt a bit lonely and like I didn’t have much to say about it. All sounds a bit negative huh? Well yes, it has been a bit flat, boring, frustrating, difficult with very few good running days scattered like gold dust giving me a glimpse of hope that not all is lost.

How, why or when I fell into this dark hole, I am not sure. Maybe it’s what happens after achieving a big milestone. Maybe it’s just part of the running journey. Maybe it’s because without a big goal ahead, running moved from the driver’s seat to the back seat. Maybe I’ve had enough of working with a coach and I need a break. Maybe it’s the weather, the rain, the cold, the mud, the short days. Maybe it’s all of the above or maybe it’s just my bloody hormones, who are by the way crashing all my endorphin parties.

I have carried on running, regardless. Every Tuesday, every Thursday and every Saturday, I get up, have my coffee, check the weather and off I go. Admittedly, I don’t have a big smile on my face. But I do it. For better or for worse. Till death do us part. That sort of thing. And most Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays I come back feeling better than when I left but still not like I used to. I lost the joy of running.

All the voices inside my head sounded angry. A lot of the anger was directed to my coach or rather the runs she gave me which were too hard, too difficult and I knew even before I went out that I would not manage to do what she asked. Among all the angry voices there was one that sang a different tune. Trust her, it said. It’s all part of a plan, it said. It will eventually get easier, it will make you stronger, faster, a better runner. Sure. But do I want all those things? Or do I want to run without any goal? To run for the sake of running and who cares if I improve or not? The angry voices got louder and louder to the point I couldn’t hear myself think.

In the meantime, my closest running companions have been an endless source of inspiration. Doug has just started running again after 7 months of recovery. His journey back is difficult, his joy is contagious. Liz has suffered injuries, but still ran 1,000 miles in 2021, still smiles on every run, still climbs the most scary hills. Zara has just completed the Dopey challenge consisting of 4 races in 4 days: 5K, 10K, Half Marathon, Full Marathon. Yeah, I know. It is phenomenal! Antigoni, is in it for the long game, and is my pillar of running wisdom. Sara, has moved to Zurich and is exploring solo runs in completely uncharted territories. Brave!! Lucy has taken up running and is brilliant and is secretly enjoying it and Ian has signed up for his first marathon (and we’ll be there to cheer him on!). The Upper Beeding Runners, the most awesome fun and supportive run group on the planet have hit some amazing milestones and we’ve got the Brighton Half to look forward to next month !! Last but not least, my mum has rediscovered her joy for life in the most amazing and unexpected way, and well, if that isn’t inspiration, I don’t know what is.

So this is where I am. For exactly 4 months I feel I have been running towards a crossroads. Take the wrong turn and I could hit a dead end. Take another wrong turn and I could carry down a road to nowhere… I’ve now reached the crossroads. Time to stop and take a deep breath and at least be grateful that I haven’t stopped running.

Why? Why? Why? It’s not just an irrational fear of missing out. It’s not just fitness. It’s simply that deep down I LOVE IT! And I’ve come too far to stop. How I run going forward is still an open question. One thing is certain. I need to change my tune. Break the cycle of doom. Silence the angry voices. Find my joy, my purpose. Embrace each step I take as a step in the right direction even if it is a few seconds slower than I wanted.

“Run slower to run faster”

I read that somewhere the other day and it hit home.

I should know by now that progress in running and in life is always going to come with setbacks, slow or no progress at times, small breakthroughs, little moments of triumph that rock my cosmos. Then I will stumble again, fall, rise and so on and so forth. To expect anything different would be foolish and in the end, very boring.

Last night I did a treadmill run. I ran with headphones on. First time in over a year that I listened to music while running. I glanced at my reflection in the window and visualised the crossroads. It was time for a decision. Blame it on the cheesy songs I secretly love or the fact that I had a good session. Blame it on my reflection of 47 years from which I cannot hide… I turned up the volume and turned up the speed and ran tall and proud towards the crossroads of my mind, knowing with certainty that there was ever only one road to choose. The one ahead of me, with all its twists and turns. I want to run it.